Dealing with hypochondria.

Nearly three years on from my initial facial palsy, I can look at myself and see how far I have come in so many ways. I acknowledge how much more comfortable I am with my new face, my acceptance with what I now live with, and emotionally how much I have adapted to dealing with such a life changing situation. But there is one thing that has only surfaced very recently that has stemmed from my experience that I had no idea was really affecting me, and that is dealing with hypochondria.

I haven’t until now acknowledged that dealing with not only a life changing illness but the pain of a misdiagnosis, that turned out to be the worst case scenario, has left a lasting effect on my mental state and my approach to my physical health. Over the past few months I have been visiting the doctor much more frequently than I have before. I’ve gone for burst blood vessels that occurred from holding a bag the wrong way. Skin irritation that resulted in just needing a dermatological cream to clear it up, and a swollen throat that was simply just from being run down. But every time something has come up I have immediately thought it to be the worst case scenario, a life threatening or terminal illness, and have demanded blood tests and physical examinations to confirm my health to put my mind at ease.

It has been crippling. It was getting to the point where everyday I was waking up with this sense of doom and that there was no hope. I knew I needed to address this constant anxiety surrounding my health, and after talking to my mum I came to the realisation that it has stemmed from never really recovering from my health trauma three years ago.

I’m sure this is something that other people who have experienced illness or misdiagnosis have also felt. It’s not wanting to go through that pain again from being told you’ll recover in four weeks and then it turning out to take six months, for it to really be the worst outcome with life long complications that need ongoing medical treatment. It’s wanting to nip something in the bud straight away because last time you were given crucial medication three days too late to do anything. It’s wanting to continue living a normal healthy life so you don’t have to take months off work, lying in pain and only waking up to take your next lot of medications and sips of water that just fell out of a droopy mouth anyway.

It’s something that is also difficult to explain to a healthcare professional when you go into a doctor's appointment and you feel as though they think you’re completely overreacting. How in a 10 minute session are you supposed to explain what you’re actually there for and then your reasoning behind wanting a bruise to be checked out. They aren’t aware of my facial palsy or the trauma that came with it, so they aren’t going to look at this perfectly healthy person coming in and understand that the pain that they’re still dealing with is totally the reason they are actually there and not the one small physical thing that they’re subconsciously using as a cover.

I’ve also had this feeling of guilt surrounding all of this, as I know there are so many people in this world dealing with really life threatening situations that don't compare to what I’m dealing with, and that only adds to the mental confusion and pain that swirls around your mind every minute of the day.

I think it also comes from a place of wanting to be in control of my mind and body. The year after my facial palsy I went on a huge weight loss journey and ended up losing two stone due to strict healthy eating and daily hiit workouts and yoga practices. I learnt after a few months that this wasn’t going to be a long term adjustment for me because I could no longer limit what foods I was having or have the mental capacity everyday to throw myself around my living room to a video workout routine.

I learnt then that dealing with Ramsay Hunt Syndrome left me feeling completely out of control, I had nothing to blame for my illness, it just woke up one day and decided to kill my nerves and change my life as I knew it, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. This was a really difficult thing to get my head around, I still don’t think I truly have yet, but I tried to do anything I could do get back in control of my health, body and really my life, so now when something feels like it’s happening and I don’t understand why, it completely blows up in my mind until I have a justification or a cause. I don’t want to have this helpless feeling consume my life again because it was so difficult to accept the first time around.

But now, I finally feel relieved to be coming to this realisation after so long, I have started taking the steps to help my mental trauma heal. Changing my antidepressants was the first step. I stopped taking sertraline last year as I felt as though it was just completely numbing my emotions and blocking me from being able to feel anything, which isn’t a way I wanted to live my life. But as I was dealing with this new wave of anxiety this year I decided to do some research and try something different. I have now been on fluoxetine for two months and it really has helped my anxiety and worry, not just around my health but in general, let it take a backseat and stop consuming my mind every single day. The first month of adjusting was difficult and confusing because my anxiety was only getting worse as the chemical changes were taking place, but now it’s allowing me to still feel my real emotions without cutting me off completely, and I can finally start to function in a much healthier way.

That time I used to spend just sitting there spiralling over my thoughts, I now use to take myself on outdoor walks every single day. I’ve started limiting my alcohol intake to special occasions and now make myself stick to a regular care routine of hair masks, exfoliants and vitamins to keep me feeling as though I am truly taking care of myself, and also give me the headspace to cook better meals rather than ordering in and doing the bare minimum it takes to get along. All these things which in turn are supporting my mental state and my physical condition, I’ve noticed a healthy weight loss from walking and fewer alcoholic beverages, and a clearer mind where I can give myself time to read, be creative, or just be more present. My feelings of hypochondria still creep in from time to time, but now I am more mentally supported to acknowledge what is just going on in my mind and what is actually happening in my life.

I know the healing is far from done though, I am now wanting to do the work to truly begin healing my health anxiety and trauma, and find a good therapist that can support me on this journey to a much healthier place in my life. I feel that if I am finally able to address my health trauma and learn from it yet leave it in the past, I won’t have this constant feeling of fear follow me around waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I can actually enjoy my life without worrying if anything I do will have drastic consequences, and continue to live a healthy existence that only supports my mind, body and soul. Once I find this person that I feel can help me with my healing, I want to discuss this more in my blogs so maybe it can help others who have been in similar situations recognise the same patterns in their own recoveries. I wouldn’t have come to some of these realisations without having frank discussions with people in my life which ultimately have set me off on this path, so it’s important to continue to do so, so more people in the facial palsy community and beyond can start healing their past health traumas.