2021 learnings, plus my excitement for the year ahead.

Welcome back to my blog!

Fresh off a two week long Christmas break, I'm ready to continue to share even more about living with facial paralysis. I thought it would be fitting to start this year off with a piece that reflects on 2021, but this blog post has probably been the most difficult one for me to get off the ground.

I’ve restarted it about four times and considered doing a video instead to see if talking would make it easier to get my words out, but I soon realised it’d probably turn into a giant waffle of words that made absolutely no sense whatsoever. I gave myself the Christmas period to take some time off and see if having a more fresh mind would help me to actually get my words out, because trying to sum up such a life changing year in one blog or classic instagram carousel of pictures can’t really give it the justice it deserves.

2021 was a huge year for me in terms of personal growth and acceptance with the cards I was dealt, so I knew I needed to give this some more time to develop this particular blog, and focus more on what I had achieved and learnt rather than all the dark points that I thought would define the year for me.

To say that it’s been the biggest rollercoaster of events and emotions it putting it lightly, but when I think about it, my mindset is so much more different now compared to this time last year, and that’s all to do with the positive changes I made in the last twelve months, which have also prepared me for everything that 2022 has to offer.

I look back at the person I was a year ago and I have completely changed, and that makes me so happy.

When I look back at how low and depressed I was in January 2021 I am a completely different person now. At the time I was battling with the news I wasn’t actually going to recover fully and all the hope I had that this would only last a few months had gone out of the window. I genuinely couldn’t see my life without the pain of my facial paralysis consuming it. I was so unhappy for months, months of putting on a brave face and trying to distract myself from the real inner trauma I didn’t want to face in hopes that the pain would simply fade over time.

And in May I decided that I was finally going to eat better and do regular exercise, something I had wanted to do for ages but had put off due to making excuses and having such a busy life. But I knew the power of exercise for mental health and wanted to see if it would help improve mine, and for a while it did!

I loved taking care of myself and in turn I ended up losing 22lbs over three months, not doing anything crazy or extreme, but by simply physically taking care of my body. This was my first step in learning how to look after myself again. Noticing how good I felt after half an hour of yoga or a 15 minute high intensity workout, I absolutely loved it and how much clearer my mind was feeling. When I saw the transformation this had given me I felt as though this was the time to start reinventing how I appeared to the world, I started to change my wardrobe and (continuing now) to learn what made me feel good and confident. I also cut my hair to try something different. I thought that if I wasn’t going to be able to look how I did before, then why couldn’t I use this as a way to make me into a newer version of myself.

I think this scared a few people around me because it may have seemed that I didn’t want to be who I was anymore, and to a degree that was true. I didn’t want to be the sad, frumpy, wonky-faced girl who looked at herself with pity, which is how I felt other people would also look at me, and instead I wanted to show myself that change is good.

Even though this wasn’t the move that helped me heal the most this past year, I think it was crucial for me to regain my identity and my confidence. I wanted to feel different from the mess I was back in January who didn’t care about how she looked and gave up on herself, and I realised that for my personal journey, this was an important thing for me to do to move on from what had happened.

It wasn’t me running from my issues, but it was my way of taking back control of my body and my health when I had gone through months of having to succumb to illness. It was an incredibly healthy thing for me to choose to do and has been a huge part of my year which has contributed to my healing.

Another thing I overcame this year was my imposter syndrome when it came to starting my blog and in my career. When I first got ill I felt as though all my hard work and effort was erased. I felt like I wouldn’t be able to do half as much as I could before and I’d have to pretty much start from the beginning. But after giving myself the time I needed to get better I found that by setting boundaries and managing people’s expectations, I was able to get back to my hard working self.

But in turn decided to not go back to how I used to work as I knew that was doing nothing positive for me. Before I would bend over backwards everyday and run myself into the ground, so I decided simply not do that anymore. I am now able get my work done in the time I have and never put it before my health or wellbeing.

I didn’t have a healthy balance before, but now that I do and I communicate that with others, my working life has been so much better and more manageable alongside my recovery. I even got a promotion this year to a more senior role, and that was a huge sign to me that this was the correct balance for my situation. I can still do my best and be hard working whilst also putting myself first.

one of my favourite things to come from this past year was the birth of this blog.

When I shared some videos during the awareness week in March I was amazed by the responses I got and that people actually wanted to hear more from me, so starting this blog felt like the most natural thing to do next. I had crazy imposter syndrome though, I thought who’s going to want to hear what I’ve got to say? Who cares about my story? Am I even a good enough writer to be able to do this? But after months of putting it off I finally bit the bullet and got to creating On the Wonk.

By being open and candid about life with facial palsy I think it has given people a fresh look on the condition without having to read lengthy and complicated medical documents and websites. I wanted to create a safe, fun space for people in the same situation to finally feel like they could relate to someone, as facial palsy can be an incredibly lonely experience to go through.

I said to myself before I started, that if it could at least help one person then it’s done what I set out for it to do, and from the past few months of it being live I cannot begin to explain how incredible the responses have been. To know that my words have helped so many people is one of the greatest things I have done with my life so far.

I’ve always been a huge overthinker and constantly questioned my existence if I’m not able to do something big with my life. I always asked myself ‘how can I leave something good in the world?’

I struggled with this for years and had no idea what I could really do to make a difference, and I think I now know what that is, it’s this blog. It’s being able to build a community of people dealing with this condition and help them feel less alone, more confident and more in love with themselves than before. Seeing the impact this blog has had already gives me so much hope and excitement for what it’s going to achieve in the year ahead and I cannot wait to see what it does!

The final thing that made a huge impact this year was facing my emotional trauma head on, I knew this was going to be the biggest hurdle to overcome if I wanted to make a real change in my life, and at first I was terrified as to what might come up and if this was going to bring about even more pain, but instead it was the greatest thing I could’ve done for myself. I talk more in depth about it in my previous blog, facing the emotional pain, which you can read below:

Discussing my thoughts and past events with my therapist has now got me to a much more comfortable place in my recovery. I am accepting my situation and instead of letting it get me down all the time, I’m looking at it with love.

Maybe all of this had to happen to me in order to wake me up to the things I needed to change in my life to be a happier person, to do something that would not only help my life but also the lives of others, something that brings me no financial gain but purely the sense that I am leaving a positive mark on people. It’s one of the most enriching feelings I have ever experienced. If you were to ask me how I feel now, I would say so much more beautiful than before this happened.

I don’t look at my face now with anything other than love.

Love for my inner self for being able to make such huge changes in one year and continue to heal from something so traumatic, love for my wonky smile which is now one of my favourite things about me, as it has healed so much already and serves as a reminder every time I now look in the mirror that I am a much stronger person for what I went through. I’m no longer afraid to say that I am truly learning to love myself, I love the person I am becoming and I can’t wait to see what I am able to achieve in 2022, going into it with a much more positive mindset and open heart.

I don’t really believe in New Year’s resolutions.

I have never been a fan of the pressure it can put on someone when their life can already be quite stressful and complicated. But I do think it is a good time to reflect on what you’ve learnt and what you want to carry into the new year.

So I decided this year to make myself an inspiration board of how I want my life to look over the next 12 months, not setting myself solid goals, but things I want to include in my journey and as I continue to heal to see what comes up naturally. It’ll be interesting to see if everything on that board is fulfilled or if I look back at it throughout the year and certain aspirations have changed. My therapist said I am currently going through a period of immense growth, so whilst that’s happening, I’m not putting any pressure on myself. I’m going to see what comes up and remain open to how I respond to things. I want this year to see what I truly enjoy and what no longer serves my life. It’s a very exciting prospect, so who knows who I’ll be this time next year. As long as I treat every experience and person along the way with an open mind and kindness, I’ll know it’s the right thing for me to go through.

When I was younger, I learnt that my name actually meant ‘servant boy’.

With this I thought I had to look after everyone else, and to do anything for myself was selfish and not a good use of my time. But I’ve recently realised that if I want to look after others, I first have to look after myself. None of it is worth anything if I don’t take care of me, otherwise all everyone else gets is a tired, burnt out Paige who can’t offer people half of what I am able to. I feel so incredibly positive going into 2022, because I think I went through most of my bad news and rock bottom moments last year, but I can't say that I won’t have more low points throughout the year ahead, but I’ll be able to manage them in a much better way where they won’t take over my life.

I’ve already seen what I’m capable of, so it can only continue to get better. I said it previously but I am so proud of the person I have become and who I am continuing to grow into, I can’t wait to see what comes up in 2022 and I wish that for absolutely everyone. After the past few years I think everyone needs to cut themselves some slack and reflect on all the good things they have achieved. Give yourself some more love in the next year and remain open to everything that comes your way.